What to do about eavesdropping kids ...

[still mamom]

This is gonna sound like the plot of a grade B sitcom, but I am NOT making this up:

At my d12's b'day party the kids were playing hide & seek and unbeknownst to me, the 2 most precocious were hiding under the bed in my room when I went in there with my 17 yo exchange student to put together the goodie-bags and talk about a disturbing experience she'd had: she was at a 16 yo's b'day party earlier in the day at a church social hall with adults present, and apparently most of the kids were acting out sexually - groping each other, licking ears, comparing breasts, etc. She was describing the very weird scene to me, and her utter confusion, discomfort, etc. We had a rather candid talk about how she felt about the kid whose party it was and her mother (both are quite strange), and maybe we talked about other stuff that I can't recall - hopefully I didn't say anything negative about any of the kids at d12's party! Anyway, the next day my d12 said she wanted to tell me something and swore me to secrecy - made me promise I wouldn't say anything to the kids or to the parents. I promised not to say anything to the kids, but wouldn't agree about the parents until I knew what it was. (The mother of one of the kids is one of my closest friends.) D12 then told me about how the kids were under the bed the whole time. Of course, now I'm in a bind because I don't want to do anything that would make her less likely to confide in me in the future. But the more I think about those kids keeping quiet while this conversation went on, the angrier and more disturbed I get. Any thoughts on how to handle this?

[OneMoreTry]

What an unfortunate situation! My advice, though, is not to do anything about it. You made a promise to your daughter that if broken may compromise your relationship with her, and for what? You didn't do anything wrong - you would be defending yourself in a situation that requires no defending. The kids under the bed should have let you know, the moment you walked into your room, that they were there. It seems, though, that is pretty typical of this age group. I have a 12 year old stepson that seems to think that every conversation that occurs in our house (whether it is with another person in the house or somebody over the phone) is his business, and is open to his comments and opinions. My husband and I have had several conversations with him about how that behavior is inappropriate and infringes on the privacy of others. But again, we have had that conversation with him "several" times and still find this to be a challenge. He's a good kid, too, so I think it is just an age thing.

[zuzuzu]

mamom, a couple of thoughts. First, I would be sure to tell D12 how much you respect her courage to come talk to you (you may already have done this several times over!). One thought is to then tell D your honest concerns. You can also say that (if you believe this) you should not have made any promise *not* to speak with the kids at the party. It's OK to say that it was a mistake on your part, and that would allow you to then tell D if you want to say anything to the other kids. Personally, I wouldn't go out of my way to speak with the kids if they're not around; however, I would say something to each in private if an opportunity presented itself. I think that would keep the air clear as well since you know they overheard but the topic hasn't been aired (if you want it to be). If one of the kids is at your house, you could say that you know he/she was under the bed and that you feel badly because things were said that were believed to have been in private. You could say that this fails to respect the privacy of the person who was speaking, and that is not something that you would ever do willingly.

It's an opportunity to teach from the situation, if there is an easy way to go about it. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it by calling the kids or the parents. I view it more as following through on the incident that occurred in your home, in the event that a child is in your home again. Almost more like "house rules" that you can deal with in private.

I don't think the kids under the bed did anything wrong by hiding there, necessarily. That is just kid stuff. However, they found themselves in an awkward position and bringing the situation into the open may, in fact, give them some relief as well.

[Theo!]

Do nothing. If you get a call from one of the parents asking what was said you have a very reasonable explanation, and their kids shouldn't have been eavesdropping.

I try to make it as clear as possible to my daughter and her friends that my room is off limits unless I've given my express permission for them to be in there. The last thing I need is to go in my room to get dressed and find out there's some strange kid lurking in my closet.

[ghead1]

you've done nothing wrong, and depending on just HOW explicit your conversation was with the 17 yr old, you may want to let their parents know what they overheard. Your 12 year old doesn't get to make that decision for you IMO.

When I was much younger, my best friend's parents had a rule... kids weren't allowed into their bedroom for play. When I married, I put that rule into use at our home. Kids had pretty free run of the house, but not our bedroom. You may want to try that as a new rule... it allows you to have a place in the house where you have peace, and also wehre you are comfortable with a private discussion.

[zuzuzu]

Good points about the private room being off limits! I need to get one of those "NO Tresspassing" signs for my door..... just like my D11!

[Phoebe]

My experience is that kids will evesdrop. Being deaf, I never had that advantage. My brother, on the other hand did. He would hide in my parents closet and listen to them (the closet was outside of their room). I would get my information that way in an unexpected way.

I have the same rule here, my bedroom is off limits for the kids to play in.

[pbj12]

Anytime kids are over at our house, my room is off limits. When they were younger, I found a few hiding in my closet, and that was that. No going in my room.

I'm not sure I would say they were eavesdropping though. They were probably REALLY uncomfortable when you walked in and didn't know how to handle the situation. My guess is they thought if they came out you'd be angry, and then the longer they stayed, the more they were in a very awkward situation.

But now that's it is over, I would leave it alone unless you get a call from their parents. Then you can explain the situation.

[Jigsaw]

If any of the parents approach you, concentrate on the most important issue. Their kids had trespassed into your bedroom and THAT was inappropriate.

[Tuffy]

I would most likely tell my daughter that I would have to talk to the parents just to clear up that the conversation overheard was not meant for 12 year old ears but was between you and an older teen. It may help clear up any concerns that may happen if one of the 12 year olds blurt out "well Mrs mamom was talking about teenagers feeling each other".

I'm having something similar with my kids in that they are overly interested in my conversations on the phone. On one hand they seem to be treating it as a game "oh, she just said California, so she is talking to Lynn", "it's a walking comment so it's Carol", as in guess who mom is talking to now, but at other times it seems to have a more serious tone as in they are worried about what truly I'm talking about.

I don't know if this is just a hold over from the divorce. (my oldest tells me she dreads the words "daddy and I have to talk to you both" due to finding out about the divorce) or just an uneasiness about my life when I'm not with them. I don't know. I just know I'm getting tired of making sure I don't have lingering kids around when I'm trying to hold a conversation.

[2ndWind]

Great post, OMT. I agree that you would not approach the parents. I'm wondering if yur close friend--the one whos daughter was at the party--may say something to you, in which case it would be more difficult to decline to discuss it. As said above, the kids were in the wrong, and it seems as if they realized it. It sounds as if you have a fairly mature 12-year old....I can think of ways this could have gone really wrong and it didn't.

I think that kids today do overhear more, especially in regard to phone conversations. Why that is, I'm not sure. I recall that when we were growing up, our parents' conversations were not very interesting to us--I can't figure out why ours are so fascinating to our kids.

[still mamom]

Thanks for the great advise and comments, everyone! I've decided to do nothing unless someone else brings it up. I think pbj is right about how they felt trapped. They told d12 that they were afraid to let me know they were there, so d12 and I had a conversation about what she would do in that situation. I'll also have another conversation with d12 and reinforce that I'm proud of her for sharing with me.

[Bluefish]

This is gonna sound like the plot of a grade B sitcom, but I am NOT making this up:

At my d12's b'day party the kids were playing hide & seek and unbeknownst to me, the 2 most precocious were hiding under the bed in my room when I went in there with my 17 yo exchange student to put together the goodie-bags and talk about a disturbing experience she'd had: [...]Any thoughts on how to handle this?

Dropping down here, but wow, mamom. I would talk with at least one of the parents of each of the two kids. Tactfully of course, but think about what you would want to know if one of your kids had done that.

[Bluefish]

I see I may be in the minority on this one, but I still think the kids need to learn at an early age what privacy is all about.

It's probably futile to ask them to stay quiet about it though. No doubt that would make it even more impossible for them not to tell their friends what they heard. Sort of like forbidden fruit.

[Southernbelle]

:D I don't think the kids under the bed can keep the secret, it will come out of the closet. ;)) Kids are not good at keeping secrets. Hopefully, it won't get back to the the parents of the other child in a bad way.

I too had a rule when the kid were young that there were no playing in my bedroom. We had the same rule growing up in my parents home. My dad kept guns in the bedroom was one reason.

The bright side is that the kids cleaned out the dust bunnies hiding under the bed for you.

[Southernbelle]

That evil little green smillie face was suppose to go after the dust bunny sentence. Do these little green men have minds of their own?

[magic-cat]

Anytime kids are over at our house, my room is off limits.

The same rule applies in my home.

While my own kids are allowed in there if they're straying through, (i.e., getting sheets from the closet or whatever), they also know they have to get permission to be in there longer, (to watch television, to go through the bookshelves, etc).

The Master bedroom is the last sanctuary, and I hate the idea of it becoming "just another bedroom".

[steamy]

I tend to think this is a girl thing....

[zirelda]

Come to think of it, my daughter and I watch tv in my room at night till it's time to go to sleep. It's our together time. She had a friend over and I went to the grocery store. When I came back they were lying in my bed watching tv. I didn't like it and had to explain to her that while "our" time in the room is fine, it's still my room. If she wants to watch tv with her friends they can do that in the living room.

That incident prompted me to put my room off limits to her and her friends.

[Booktender]

Am I crazy to be shocked that kids would even think of crawling under the bed in the master bedroom? or that it was even appropriate to be in there without the owner's permission?

It sounds as if the situation is being handled fine.

I'm just kind of weirded out. Even in the most heated game of hide and seek no one I grew up with would have dared!

I'm going back to my rocking-chair and knitting now...

[magic-cat]

I'm going back to my rocking-chair and knitting now...

Wow, and you're not even a senior member yet!:eek:

[Tuffy]

The same rule applies in my home.

While my own kids are allowed in there if they're straying through, (i.e., getting sheets from the closet or whatever), they also know they have to get permission to be in there longer, (to watch television, to go through the bookshelves, etc).

The Master bedroom is the last sanctuary, and I hate the idea of it becoming "just another bedroom".


Same here, if they want to watch TV in my room they need to ask, but it's off limits to their friends period. The cats and I need our quiet space. :)

[OnSolidPath]

For the last two months everyone walks through my MB! Not like we currently have another choice however--it's the only way to the master bath and it's the only working toilet we have at this time.

The main bath is torn apart, for new tile and a walk in shower. Too many problems/delays with the project to begin to list.... another of life's mysterious adventures? <sigh>

I thought if I got this place whipped into shape and the way I wanted it to be--and doing it now, while I still have the energy to deal with it.

That it would be fine for me until they come carry me out feet first. I'm beginning to think the house is possessed and instead of me whipping it into shape it's planning to do me in! Think --Images of Amityville, and you might come close.

Redrum, Redrum--Honey, I'm Hooommmmeee (hee hee hee)

[still mamom]

Obviously I'm in the minority - my bedroom isn't off limits to my d12 or her friends, although now that I think about it - when I left d18 home alone with her boyfriend for a week I told her my room was completely off limits to them. Maybe my attitude is different with d12 because she moved into my room right after the ex moved, and ended up sleeping in my bed for almost a year, so I kind of think of it as shared space. Or maybe because I've always played hide & seek with her and her friends, and I've always allowed them to use my room 'cause there are good hiding spaces there. Or maybe because I don't (or didn't until now) have a problem with kids hiding under the bed. Whatever ... the point is - I don't see the need to make the room totally off-limits. Of course, if I ever had anything really fun going on in there I might change my opinion ;)

[2ndWind]

I've got to agree with you there, mamom. My BR was never off limits to my kids and they did play hide and seek in there when they were younger. In fact my then-husband and I set up S's Nintendo so it was attached to our MBR television, probably hoping to keep a better eye on his playing. He and his friends, then around ages 9-12, would play in there as well. Oops. Nothing ever came of it, though. HOWEVER, I will say that we once had an 18-yr old babysit for the weekend and I found out later from D, then 8 or 9, that the sitter and her boyfriend had "closed the door" to the MBR. Ugh. (And this was a highly-recommended sitter.)

[Unique Handle]

FWIW, I'm a big fan of the MBR-is-for-adults philosophy. However, when I was redoing the main bathroom (long-term gut job), my daughter would have to use the ensuite shower - always at some abnormally early hour. She would dutifully knock, the dog would dutifully start barking and wake me up, and I would dutifully attempt to grant her passage rights before I fell asleep again.

[ambrosia]

This is gonna sound like the plot of a grade B sitcom, but I am NOT making this up:

At my d12's b'day party the kids were playing hide & seek and unbeknownst to me, the 2 most precocious were hiding under the bed in my room when I went in there with my 17 yo exchange student to put together the goodie-bags and talk about a disturbing experience she'd had:...

I just read this and am shaking my head... I cannot believe-well, actually I can-how these girls behaved. It's total disrespect. However, since you've made a promise not to say anything, I would honor that. It just makes me angry and disgusted that 2 girls would go into an adult's bedroom and eavesdrop on a conversation that an adult is engaging in. I don't know how good of friends these girls are to your daughter, but if it were me, I don't think I could allow myself to have these girls in my home again.